Kahlan's Secret
by IAmNotTheWalrus
Summary: One more thing is standing in the way of Richard and Kahlan. Crackfic-- odd, and not to be taken seriously. Richard/Kahlan. Warning, near-sex.


Kahlan's Secret

Summary: One more thing is standing in the way of Richard and Kahlan. Crackfic-- absurd, and not to be taken seriously. Richard/Kahlan. Warning, near-sex.

Author's Note: If you take this fan fiction seriously, you should go kill yourself or something. But don't really because I don't want to get sued for that somehow. / Warnings: some sex/nudity

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Legend of the Seeker or Sword of Truth, and after you read this, you'll be thankful.

Also, I have no idea when this is supposed to take place, but this fic totally ignores the events of the finale. Or the whole series, really. Enjoy.

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KAHLAN'S SECRET

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Richard Cypher. The wielder of the Sword of Truth. The owner of an incredibly muscular torso. The sexy hunk of man that vaguely resembled an alpaca. Seeker. Friend. Lover. Hero.

And this Richard Cypher, destined to save the world from ultimate destruction and chaos, finally defeated the evilest man in the universe.

Rahl.

Darken Rahl.

Yes, indeed. The fact that his first name was "Darken" made him _that_ much eviler.

Richard stood triumphantly at the top of one gloriously green hill, hands on hips, shoulders square. He gazed out at the beautiful landscape all around him with the knowledge that they would live on peacefully because of his admirable heroism. He stroked the pommel of his sword contently.

Yes, Richard Cypher had it all. A sexy sword, an even sexier body, and the glory of knowing that he saved the world from a dark and terrible fate. Now, all he needed was a girl.

"Richard!" he heard a voice call out. He turned around and saw Kahlan running towards him.

In slo-mo...

That was nice.

Happily, Richard observed Kahlan's epic boobage bounce in slow motion as she ran towards him.

"Kahlan!" he said happily as Kahlan ran into his open arms. As Kahlan hugged him back, Richard nuzzled his face into her epically awesome hair.

"My love, we are free to be together now," Richard said, grinning at the beautiful and boobilicious brunette. "You still have that necklace on, right?"

"Which one? The one that conveniently cuts off my magic so we can have really epic sex?"

"That's the one."

"Of course I'm wearing it," Kahlan replied deviously. Richard smirked. Finally, he'd get to tap that.

As Richard started to undo her dress, Kahlan backed up a step. "Woah. Shouldn't we…I don't know…get a room? We're kind of on a random hill."

"We've waited long enough, and I need you _now. _Besides, this hill is epic looking," Richard said, and continued undoing her Confessor dress. Kahlan allowed Richard to pull it off of her, but she clearly wasn't done talking.

After Richard tossed the dress a few inches away, Kahlan began to speak again. "Richard, listen, there's—aaaaaaah." She suddenly moaned as Richard slipped a hand under her shirt and fondled her breast.

"You were saying?" Richard said with a smile. Kahlan just made some unintelligible noises as Richard stroked her nipple with his thumb.

Richard kissed her, opening his lips with hers. Their tongues brushed against each other for a moment before Richard pulled away. Richard removed his hand from her shirt, leaving Kahlan disappointed and a little sad.

"Touch me again?" Kahlan asked hopefully.

"Give me a second," replied Richard. With a flick of his hand, he removed his pants. Even with the belt.

_Wow_, Kahlan thought, impressed. _He could make a very fine stripper._

While Kahlan was thinking this thought, Richard also discarded his shirt and undergarments. Looking at his ripped body, Kahlan bit her lip, getting turned on.

Richard came towards Kahlan again. He pulled her waist towards him and buried his face in her neck. Leaning against her, he directed her towards a conveniently placed tree. Her back slammed against the tree trunk, and she gasped. The sound of her gasping aroused Richard... as Kahlan could see in Richard's stark nakedness.

_I have to tell him_, Kahlan told herself. _Now, before this goes too far. I have to._

"Richard, there's one more thing you should know before we do this."

Richard was frustrated. Kahlan was down to her undergarments, and he was completely naked with a boner. After waiting this long to make love to her, Richard did not appreciate Kahlan's interruption.

"No," he grunted. "I've defeated Rahl – no more huge, important mission in the way. You're wearing that necklace – no more 'Oh Richard, if we have sex the world will end!'. Rahl is dead, isn't he? And that necklace is still on?"

"Well…yes."

"Good," Richard said. He glanced up at Kahlan. She was biting her lip again. Yep, she was still incredibly turned on. Richard kneeled down and hooked his fingers around her bottom undergarment.

Kahlan opened her mouth to speak as Richard pulled down the last item of clothing.

"I'm really a man."

There was a moment of silence.

"Oh."

-

Leave a review if you have a spare 15 seconds. Feel free to flame the fic if you feel like it. And before you ask, no, I don't do drugs.


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